You don't have to let go
by twigirl28
Summary: One-Shot. A story about losing someone you love, but learning to live again. Bella and Edward are together in this story, but it's more about Bella.


_**A/N: This is only a one shot and has not been beta'd. Please be nice. This is a true story and it's my story. It's ok if you dont like it just please be kind. This was very hard for me to write, but I actually feel better now that I have.**_

_You don't say it  
But it's in your eyes  
All the fears of good-bye  
But I can promise  
You'll always have a place, and a way to my heart_

All the days that you gave  
All the moments you've saved me,  
Praying for my life  
Sacrificed, just to make me who I am on my own  
You don't have to let go

I can live  
Cause you lived for me  
And I can love  
Because you loved me.

I'll never forget the day my dad died. I'd just finished my first year of college at UW. My brother Emmett had called me and said I needed to come home as soon as I finished my finals. My father was going down hill fast. He'd been sick for a while, a functioning alcoholic is what they labeled him, meaning that he worked and paid his bills, didn't drink and drive and was a good citizen in his community, but he drank heavily every night. My father drank for as long as I can remember, Emmett who is five years older than me, tells me it started after our mother ran out on us and left my dad with two young children ages one and six.

I stood on the porch of my dad's house smoking a cigarette. The summer wind was whipping all around me, a storm rolling in soon. I exhaled a stream of smoke and watch it swirl around me. I was supposed to have quite. My long time boyfriend Edward, had made me promise and I'd agreed that I didn't want to smoke anymore. We planned on starting a family when we graduated college and it wasnt something I wanted to fight to stop once I was pregnant.

"Bells? The hospice nurse should be here soon." Emmett said from behind me. I nodded, not turning around to face him.

"I'll be there in a sec." I told him. I didn't want to go back inside. There was so many people in there saying their goodbyes, talking to my dad like he could still hear them. The doctors told us that hearing was the last thing to go, but how could they be so damn sure about that? My dad had slipped into a coma two days ago, his liver and kidneys were completely shut down. Emmett and I agreed that we wanted him home when he finally passed, it's where he'd want to be. So two days ago we had him transferred home with a hospice nurse coming out once a day unless needed more. We were given control of his meds, Morphine and Ativan, with the dosage to give.

I flicked my cigarette in the yard and turned to go in. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and walked in. My dad was laying in a hospital bed in the middle of the living room. There was nothing on, no TV or radio. The only background noise was the oxygen machine vibrating beside his bed and people whispering softly to each other or to my dad.

I sat down on the couch that was facing the bed and watched his chest jerk with each breath he took. It's nothing like the movies or tv shows portray it to be. He doesn't breath like a normal person, his breaths are gasps. Oh how the writers get it wrong. They make a dying person look peaceful, but there's nothing peaceful about this.

I check my watch noting that it's only five in the morning. Em and I have stayed here, taking shifts to watch over dad. Rosalie, Em's wife, comes over around 8am after she drops their daughter off at daycare. It's so sad to think that my dad will never get to see Carlie grow up. He'll never see any other grandkids Em and Rose have or that Edward and I have. He's going to miss so much.

Someone comes through the front door, but I can't take my eyes from the rise and fall of his chest. They keep saying anytime now and it's like I keep waiting for each breath to be his last.

"Hey babe. Has the nurse been by yet?" Edward asks me as he wraps his arms around my shoulders from behind.

"She's on the way." I answer leaning my head back on him, my eyes still on my dad.

"Have you slept?" He asks, his voice laced with concern. I love Edward, we've been together since highschool and then went off to college together. No teenage angst for us, we've always known we were meant to be, and now three years later we are still so in love and stronger than ever, but these last few days, I've lashed out and yelled and screamed at him. It's a miracle he's still around, faithfully by my side, still trying to take care of me.

"A little."

We sit in the quite, just waiting. Waiting on the nurse to come, waiting on my dad to take his last breath. We just wait. The only sound is still the oxygen machine humming. Finally after an hour the nurse finally shows up. She seems too chipper. Maybe that's just me though, as Edward and Emmett don't seem to say anything.

She greets us and then goes on to check the med chart we keep on a table beside his bed that lists what we've given him, how much and at what time. She pulls out her blood pressure cuff and tries to get a reading on him. She checks his pulse then looks at his legs. When she's finally done, she asks to speak with just the immediate family. Everyone leaves out except Emmett, Edward and I.

"Ok guys, I can't get a blood pressure reading on him, and his pulse is very low." She starts. I feel the tears silently fall down my cheeks and I grab Edwards and Emmett's hands. I don't want to hear anymore, but I know I have to. "It's not going to be long now. His body is starting to break down and he's only taking four breathes a minute." She states. I want to scream at her and kick her out he house. How can she be so insensitive? How can she state something so heart breaking like it's just another day?

"D-do, uhh" Em starts but has to stop to clear his throat, "do you think he's in pain?"

"No I don't. We are doing everything we can to make sure he's comfortable." She stares at us, like she's waiting on something. Finally she asks, "do you have any questions for me?"

We shake our heads no. "You know, sometimes patients try to hold on for their loved ones. Maybe it's a good idea for you and Bella to tell him it's ok to go." She says.

I can no longer control my crying and start sobbing. How can I tell my father it's ok for him to go? Emmett has now started crying as well.

"Do you really think he can hear us?" He asks her.

"Yes, I do. The hearing is the last thing to go. Talk to him, he'll hear you." She stands to shake our hands and tells us to call her if we need her.

I go to stand by dads bed and take his very cold hand. Emmett comes up next to me. "I can't do it Em. I can't tell my daddy goodbye, or tell him it's ok to go." He wraps his arm around me, squeezing me.

"I know Bells, I know."

* * *

My shaking hands light another cigarette. I inhale and it feels so good. It's now 9am and more people keep dropping by, telling Charlie goodbye or telling old stories of him. There's too much laughing, too much talking, I can't take it.

"Thought you were giving those up?" Rose says as she walks out the front door.

"Not today." I tell her.

"I can see that." She says smiling. "You know Edward is worried sick about you."

"I know. I just can't focus on anything right now Rose."

"I know honey." She wraps me in a tight hug. "Just remember that you are not alone in this Bella. We are all here for you."

I nod into her shoulder. "I don't know what to do without my dad Rose." I whisper. She pulls back to look at me, tears running down her smooth skin. "He's the only parent I have. The only parent I've ever known. How do I go on living in a world where he doesn't exist anymore. He's only 45 years old. He can't leave us yet, he can't leave me yet. I still need him." I sob.

"Oh Bella." Rose pulls me to her again, holding me tight while rocking us back and forth. "He'll always be with us Bells, in our memories and in our hearts. You'll see him in your children, he'll come visit you in your dreams. Honey he'll never be far away." Her words give me comfort, but also cause me to cry harder.

Once I've calmed down and smoked two more cigarettes, Rose brings up the one thing I don't want to talk about. "Bella, I know you don't want to hear this, but maybe the nurse it right, maybe you and Em need to tell him it's ok." She hurries to finish when I start to interrupt her. "Look Bella, he's suffering, and maybe he is holding on for his children. You guys were his pride and joy, he'd do anything for you two." She let's her words sink in, before she stands to go back inside. "Just think about it, ok?"

"Yeah." Is all I say.

* * *

At 10am, I tell Em I'm ready to talk to dad. I've thought about what Rose said, and I know deep in my heart that it's the right think to do. Edward asks me if I want him to stay, but I tell him this is something I think I need to do with my brother. I do ask him to not go far, I know I'm going to need him when I'm done.

Rose and Edward usher all the visitors out to the porch, leaving only me and Em with dad. We stand by his bed, one on each side, holding his cold lifeless hands. I'm at a loss for words, I had a whole speech planned out in my head and now that I'm facing my father to tell him it's ok to die, I can't seem to remember any of the words.

My tears are coming steady as I bend down close to my dads head. "Dad, I'm not sure if you can hear, but if you can, I want you to know how much I love you. You're the best father, you've been my everything dad, my whole world. I don't know how to go on without you, but I don't want you to stay if your suffering. I want you to be out of pain and free. It's ok to go dad." I struggle to say. I lay my head down on his chest, not bothering to wipe the tears away anymore. " I love you daddy, so so much." I cry.

I feel Em lay his hand on top of my head. I wait for him to have his turn, but everything is quiet except that damn machine. I raise my head and look at my brother who is so much like the man laying in front of us, strong and loyal. Never one to get to emotional. Now he looks so fragile and I realize while I've been in my own head mourning my father, my brother has been mourning as well. Edward and Emmett have been taking care of me, making sure I sleep and eat. Whose been taking care of Em? I know Rose has been trying to help him, but they have a 2-year-old little girl. I suddenly feel guilty that I havent been there for him. I walk around to Em's side of the bed and wrap both my arms around his massive shoulders. That's all it takes before he turns to me and breaks down. He holds onto to me like he's afraid to let go.

"I ca-can't do th-this. I cant t-tell him t-to g-o." He sobs in to my shoulder. "I thought I cou-could, b-but I j-just cant. I'm s-sorry."

"Shhh, Em, shhh it's ok if you cant do it." I tell him.

We spend another few minutes alone with Charlie before Edward knocks on the door to let us know the preacher is here to say a prayer over our father. Everyone comes back inside and we all gather around the bed, joining hands. The preacher says a lengthy prayer that I try to follow, but my mind is in a million different places.

Once we've all said our amens, I walk back outside to smoke again. Edward comes with me. He stands quietly beside me, saying nothing, but there to let me know that I can talk if I want.

I finish my cig and light another. "You know what I really hate?" I don't give him a chance to answer, though I know he's listening because he turns his head in my direction. "People keep asking me if I'm ok. What the hell is that about?" I rant. "Who would be ok in a time like this? Do they mean am I physically ok because the answer to that would be yes, but my dads not. Or do they mean am I mentally ok because then the answer would be a big hell no! I cant be ok with this Edward, I don't know how. I want to go in that house right now and lay down in the bed with my dad and just cry. I want to grab his hands and beg him to come back to us. I want to kneel down next to him and ask God for a miracle that I know will never come. I'm not ok and I'm really tired of people asking me that." I take a deep breath.

Edward quietly pulls my to him, holding me tightly to him. "I think they are just trying to be nice baby, but they don't know what to say. Hell I don't think anyone does in a situation like this. It's just their way of letting you know they care about you and your family." He says, kissing my hair.

"Yeah I know." I sigh. "I'm just really sick of that question, because just like they don't know what to say, neither do I." I tell him.

* * *

12:30pm...

"I think I'm going to run up town and get a burger, you guys want anything?" Emmett asks me. I think truthfully he just needs to get out for a few minutes. Rose and I tell him no, but Edward's hungry as well and decides to ride with him. "I've got my phone on me and I'm just going to that burger joint up the street so I'll be close. Call me if you need anything." What he really means is to call if anything changes, but I agree.

Rose and I sit down on the couch and just watch my dad. She tries to keep my mind occupied by cute stories of Carlie, which would usually work, but not today. I watch the people come and go, knowing that I'll never remember who came to say goodbye and who didn't. Their faces are just a blur to me. Rose begins talking about a dance program she wants to put Carlie in when I notice Charlie's lips look a little blue.

"Rose, do his lips look blue or is it just me?" I ask her. I can feel the panic starting to rise up inside.

"Oh yeah, they do look blue." We both stare at him, not even bothering to blink.

I reach out, grabbing her arm. "I don't think he's breathing!" We still sit there staring at him, waiting on him to take that shallow breath. It feels like we sat there for minutes but I know it was mere seconds.

"He's not." Rose says as we jump up and run to his bed. I can feel people around me, talking, shouting instructions, some even crying, but all I can do is watch my dad, praying that he'll breath again. Rose places her hand on his chest. "I dont feel anything." She says. She reaches for his wrist and then his neck. " I don't feel a pulse." She says quietly. I briefly notice her walk around to the other side of his bed and then it's quiet. Too quiet because now she's turned his machine off. I watch her reach up and pull his oxygen mask off his face.

"Wait! What are you doing?" I yell. He needs that oxygen. I don't understand why she'd take it from him.

"He's gone Bella." Rose says sadly.

"You don't know that." I say as I fall down on his chest crying. "You don't know that." I whisper. I cry so hard that I cant breath.

Rose comes up behind and pulls me up. "Honey let's walk outside and get some air." She says as she guides me out the house. I don't have the strength to fight her. I'm in a fog and the tears in my eyes are blinding me. I let her guide me to the front steps and sit down. She pulls me to her and lets me cry.

It's not but a few seconds later, I hear a truck pulling up. I don't have to look up to know it's Edward and Emmett. I hear a door open and then feet running towards us. Rose whispers "he's gone." She shifts and then another pair of arms are around me.

"I'm so sorry baby. So sorry." Edward says as he holds me and just lets me cry. I glance up, trying to find Em. He's still sitting in the truck, his door open and his head hanging down. Rose is holding him, whispering to him.

Emmett finally gets out the truck and walks up to me, grabbing me in a tight bear hug. "I'm sorry I wasnt here Bells." He tells me. "Our dad is gone." He says, like it's just finally hitting him. I wrap my arms around his neck and nod.

"Yeah, Em he is."

* * *

Five years later...

"Lord he looks just like Charlie." Rose says as she looks down at the little bundle in her arms. Charles Anthony Cullen was mine and Edward's first child and I have to admit he really does look just like my dad. Thinking about Charlie still hurts, the pain is still there, and I think about him everyday. It's gotten easier over the last five years, I don't cry when I think about him anymore, but I smile. I remember funny things that happened and camping trips he took me and Em on. Fishing trips that I was more of a hindrance that anything, but my dad always laughed at me when I would get my line caught in the tree instead of putting it in the water. I can remember him now with happiness and only a little sadness.

There are still hard times. Like his birthday, Christmas or the date of his death. Or, days like today when my first baby is born. But the hardest day was the day I got married. I'd always dreamed that my dad would walk me down the aisle and then kiss my cheek as he gave me to Edward. Emmett gave me away instead, but I'll always be saddened that my daddy didn't get to do it.

Later on, when Edward goes out to get us something besides hospital food, Em and I are alone. He's holding Charlie in his arms, watching him sleep. "You know I've always wondered why I didn't stay that day." Em says.

I look at him, confused.

"The day dad died. Why didn't I just stay ten more minutes, and I would have been there when he passed." Em said sadly.

I didn't realize this was something that bothered him, especially after five years, he's never brought it up to me. "Maybe that's what dad thought was best." Now it's Emmett's turn to look confused. "He knew you couldn't tell him goodbye, so he left this world when you wasnt there." I said, hoping I'd made sense to him.

"Yeah maybe." We watched my little baby sleep for a few minutes before he spoke up again. "He looks so much like dad, it's unbelievable."

I chuckled. "I know, it's scary." I said.

"Hey Bella?"

"Yeah Em."

"I love you and I'm really glad your my sister."

"I love you to Em."


End file.
